Friday, July 4, 2014

5 Ways You Are Sabotaging Your Relationship

There is no book on how to have a perfect relationship. Okay maybe there are some in print but ultimately every relationship is different. I've read extensively on functional and dysfunctional relationships for my masters degree, as well as have seen these following relationship sabotages in my clients. So here I am to impart knowledge.

1. You expect your partner to mind read what you want from them.

This one is a classic relationship sabotage, and usually in a heterosexual relationship, it happens more on the female's part. "He should know by now what makes me upset"..."He should know I don't like the socks on the floor"..."He should know why I don't like that." NO, NO, NO, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. It doesn't matter how long you have been together, your partner will get it wrong sometimes and will not magically know what you want from them. Being assertive of your needs is the marker of a healthy relationship. If something bothers you, tell them what it is. If you want them to start doing something, tell them! Expecting your partner to always know what you want is a recipe for disappointment. No one is perfect, be honest with your partner and communicate your needs.

2. You spend day and night with them and never make time for your friends or your own interests.

This is another one that usually is the start of a potential breakup. Your partner should be a nice addition to your life, not the only thing you live for. You had a life, friends, and interests before you met this person, and now that you are in a relationship it doesn't mean you stop being that person you were before. You should still be your own person and spend time away from your partner. Being too dependent on a relationship causes you to believe that you can only be happy if they are with you, because literally all of your time is invested in them. Have a girls night a least once a week, no your s.o. is not invited. Also, girls, if you want to get into the psyche of men...they do not like feeling like they cannot spend time with their friends without you giving them a hard time about it. They need their freedom too, or they will start viewing the relationship as a ball and chain.

3. You don't fight fair.

I'm going to go more in depth into this topic in another post, but essentially the idea is when you argue or disagree you do so unfairly. In a healthy relationship there will be disagreements, this is normal. What is not normal/healthy is doing any of the following:

-Name calling
-Silent treatment
-Yelling at each other
-Bringing things up from the past
-Hitting below the belt
-Giving ultimatums
-Inability to compromise
-Expecting the other person to always be the one to apologize and never admitting your mistakes.

4. Expecting more commitment from your partner then they are comfortable to give.

I always say in the beginning of your relationship, be clear on what you both want from each other. Whether that be a short-term relationship, something long-term, a casual relationship, whatever. If your partner is only comfortable with something light with little commitment, don't push them to give you more than that because it will not be true to you. There is nothing wrong with going at a slow pace. I know women, especially those in their late 20s early 30s feel like they have no time to waste, and I respect that. But forcing your partner to be somewhere emotionally where they are not at, will only lead to having an unequal relationship where you are pouring all of yourself into, and receiving little in return.

5. Not spending time with his family.

More often than not you may not stand your significant other's family, but trust me when I say this will cause unnecessary friction in the future if you don't show some type of effort. When you get into a relationship, you are accepting all spheres of your partner's life. Their family is a huge part of that, and showing that you can take the initiative to spend time with them shows that you really care about them. And girls, having your partner's mom/sister/brother/dad on your side is definitely a good thing.

So those are just a few things that I felt were important to discuss, I'll probably do another one of these eventually because clearly there are a lot more things but this is enough for now. Leave me comments and questions you have!

Love yourself!

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